All Domestic and Stuff...

So... tomorrow is Saturday, which is traditionally the day on which all my chores get done. The other one wouldn't know a chore if it stood up and slapped her - and having met her staff, I'm fairly sure that she may well have been slapped by her staff, if not her chores - and Miss Twinset is (of course) the perfect housewife and swans around the house all week "keeping her hand in" on the chores. She has a set of those ridiculously twee pink rubber gloves trimmed in faux leopard fur. I'm not sure that she actually does anything with them ... I mean really? Seriously? She has a little pink apron that ties around the waist trimmed in white ruffles with a little pocket on the front. She keeps a hip flask in it. I haven't seen it personally, but I would imagine that it's the only way she can stay away from her booze supply long enough to dust a doily. Now... I have seriously considered getting help (no... not psychiatric help. I don't need that kind of help. I don't. Why are you looking so shocked?!?!)... I'm talking about help around the house.

Ok... so the plan on most Saturday's is simple. Step 1: Wake up. Repeat until you have successfully completed step 1. Once up and awake, gather all laundry and set the first load to washing. Often, this is something simple like "towels" or "bedding"... purely because I'm still playing hunt the laundry and trying to retrieve things from underneath the still comfortably curled up and slumbering bodies of cats - who can make themselves remarkably heavy when they don't want you to take that skirt / shirt / jacket that they're lying on! While the laundry is happily drowning, it's time to grab a broom (no, not the one I rode in on... that one is stored outside the front door and used purely for travel) and then it's clear, tidy, dust, polish, sweep, scoop, mop, collapse. The other one is shocked that a broom is capable of so many things. I am shocked that she knows what a broom is!! Perhaps I should elaborate for the less domestically accomplished amongst us. Clearing is done by hand, as is tidying. Dusting is done with a cloth or feather duster (it should be noted that using live birds is never acceptable or recommended! Their ability to shake themselves clean is a bonus, yes, but it's still illegal!). Polishing is done with a cloth and some spray on polish. Sweeping is done with the broom (yup - just this 1 part) and the scoop is done with a dustpan and brush. The mopping is done with a - wait for it... - mop! The collapsing part should be fairly self explanatory.

Miss Twinset is rabbiting on about how she does all this in "mere minutes a day"... allowing her plenty of time for "more enjoyable and gainful activities". I don't think that drinking your weight in gin is a "gainful activity". OW! Did you know that ice hurts when it's hurled at you? On the plus side, if it happens to cut you, the alcohol will act as an immediate disinfectant! And her drink will get warmer faster :-D If - like me - you aren't based at home all day, then it's only reasonable that you will set aside specific time to do the chores that domestic life demand of us all. In my Gran's day... it was most likely that she would be home-based, but that was then... and this is now. So Saturday is for getting all down and dirty. With the house work. Sheesh... you guys have dirty minds!

Now - the other one has rolled her eyes more than once and she's wondering what on earth was so important about all this (tempting me to drag her into doing it all tomorrow so that she can be a more rounded person... I'd have to catch her first though and she runs damn fast in those stilettos!) Well, the point of all this is that this is what I "normally" do. However, tomorrow will be a day for not only being "domestic", but for being a glorified, undeniable "Domestic GODDESS"!! How? Well, I won't be borrowing any pink, fur trimmed gloves (thanks, but no), nor will I be doing the chores in heels and a tiara (seriously?). I will be (drum roll please)........ Multi-tasking! No, sucking an olive while drinking your martini does not qualify as multi-tasking... Neither does reading a gossip rag while supervising staff! Sigh. Now that we've dealt with silly questions from the Galerie d'arachide (peanut gallery), let me elaborate.

Tomorrow morning - when I eventually succeed with step 1 - I will indeed put the first load of laundry on and clean through. However, once that is accomplished, I will (weather permitting) plant my new trees into their pots (yes, new trees!! A plum tree and a nectarine tree, but more later) and also make a large pot of marmalade. These tasks to be completed in addition to completing the laundry.

I'm exhausted just thinking about it all :-) Miss Twinset is smirking and the other one is just gobsmacked that I clean my own home. It must be nice on her planet, but I doubt I'd like to live there. So - wish me luck!

Until next time...