Eggsactly!!

Greetings to all the other home cooks out there... I have to apologise for the silence of the past while... it isn't because I don't love you or love sharing with you anymore... it's a combination of 2 things... The first is something all us Kitchen Goddesses can relate to and that is the joy of spending time trying out new recipes and playing with old favourite ones. Of course, if you're in the kitchen, then you're unlikely to be sitting behind your laptop... The other problem that I've been facing is the dreaded ailment L.O.I. You'll be scratching your head and wondering what that is... Well, let me enlighten you... it's Lack Of Internet! I've been suffering ongoing issues with my wireless connection... which makes it hard to blog regularly!

Now, I promised in our last meeting to find something (anything) for The Other One to cook... This has been a big factor behind my kitchen safari's of the past few weeks... After all, things that the average person should be able to conquer with ease would most likely be far beyond her skillset. After all, she has staff for just about everything :-) Eventually, after I had paged through recipe book after recipe book and tried more than a dozen "simple" dishes, I came to the shocking conclusion that perhaps I should start by getting her to boil water! And then... when I had reached the end of my creative rope... inspiration struck. Hard. Hard boiled that is!

The humble egg! I had considered and rejected omelette's, poached eggs, scrambled eggs and even simple fried eggs as being too advanced for our dear lady, but a boiled egg... now that should be something that she could do. Surely? I may have been over-simplifying things of course... after all, it's not that easy to boil the perfect egg. In fact, if you google "How to boil an egg", you'll find that there are 7 360 000 results. From step by step instructions to video tutorials to advice from a thousand Grandmother's kitchen lore. Everyone has tips and tricks and it's much easier if you go and find the ones that make sense to you all by yourself. It's also true that I like my eggs hard boiled, so I can generally get away with letting them boil until there is absolutely no chance of some poor innocent bit of egg having found a way to hide from the awesome power of hot water!

Now though... let me fill you in on what happened the day we decided to teach The Other One how to "Boil an Egg". The day started much like any other, but when the Tipsy Tarts arrived, I knew I was in for a challenge. Miss Twinset had broken out her favourite yellow twinset, which she says is "sunny" but I feel was coloured in by demented toddlers with a set of highlighter pens. I swear that the space station could track her without any equipment at all when she wears it! However, she had worn it in honour of the eggs, so who was I to judge. Cooking in sunglasses is always tricky though... The other one had gone to the trouble of having her favourite designer "throw" together a cooking outfit for her, with the result that she looked rather like a stylish walking check floor with a glop of raw meringue on top. Instead of the usual "chef" outfit of pants and a simple white jacket, she was wearing a layered skirt in three different size checkered patterns. Above this, was a retro 80's blouse with more shoulder shelving than the whole cast of Dynasty put together. She'd had this customised with the words "Top Chic" and secreted away in the voluminous skirt was a secret pocket for her hip flask... Of course, I took that off her as soon as I'd finished putting her through the metal detector :-). Naturally, this wasn't the end of it... perched on her head was the most rediculous Toque (chef's hat) that you've ever seen. You see... the Toque dates back to the 16th century and interestingly enough, the traditional 100 folds are supposed to represent the 100 different ways that a Chef could prepare an egg (ironic huh?). It's even been suggested that in some kitchens the different heights would show your rank in the kitchen... well, if that was the case here, then she was definitely at the top of the totem pole! Unfortunately it did look rather like some giant had dropped some whipped cream or raw meringue onto her head and there was no way to improve it, especially as it started to flop like a limp soufflé. Tipping it back at a "rakish" angle simply made her look like an inflatable nun!

Naturally, sorting out this hideous wardrobe malfunction took more time than I had allowed for the whole adventure and then there was the issue of keeping her away from the booze while the driver went back for something more suitable (and not the glitzy cocktail number that she had told him to collect. I figured that the black silk pants and white blouse that I suggested would be better. She'd be pissed (but sober), but I'd deal with that later). Miss Twinset wasn't much help. Apart from the fact that she was a walking migraine alert, she kept slipping vodka into the orange juice I'd poured for The Other One. You can picture her drinking that neat fruit juice... she thought I was trying to kill her! I don't think she'd ever had neat fruit juice before and it was certainly a revelation. Of course, I then had to wipe down the walls where she spat it out, but in a way it was worth it :-)

So... with most of a morning gone and still forced to wear my shades in the kitchen for fear of being blinded by that twinset, I was ecstatic to see the driver holding the requested items and even happier when it only took 20 minutes and the promise of 1 great martini to get her to change into them. Finally we were able to approach the stove... me resigned to the challenge, her in a state of terror! The first step of course was to select "The Egg" and I was actually quite surprised when the first thing that the Other One asked was how she would know if it was a good egg or not. I was a tad concerned that she might be wondering if it was well behaved, but she surprised me by specifying that she wanted to know if it was good to eat. This is simple... place the egg into a bowl or glass and cover it with water... if the egg floats - it's BAD! The freshest eggs will stay at the very bottom of the bowl or glass.

So... having selected 3 perfect eggs, I had her place them into a pot and take them to the sink to cover them with water. It was then that I discovered that unless it involves booze, she's a bit challenged on the multi-tasking front. 10 minutes later, having stowed the mop, retrieved the pot and successfully picked out 3 more eggs, we decided it was easier to fill a jug at the sink and carefully carry it across to the stove to avoid a repeat demonstration that gravity is still in force. There was one thing that my Gran told me always to do when boiling eggs and that is to put a large silver serving spoon into the pot along with the eggs. Apparently this is to stop them from cracking and as they so rarely do, I'm inclined to believe her. Having added the spoon, the Other One turned the plate up to the required temperature and then? We waited.

Now, there are some people who claim that there are only 4 steps to boiling the "perfect egg". It's based on careful timing... 3 minutes of boiling, followed by 8 minutes of colling in the pot (off of the heat) before being cooled with fresh, cold water and then they're ready to be peeled. It's better to leave the eggs to cool in the fridge for 30 min, but only if you're patient. This method is supposed to prevent any grey or green ring from forming around the yolk (a sure indicator that the egg has been over-boiled). Personally I couldn't care less, but I can understand that it can be visually jarring if you're serving the eggs to guests. So.. the Other One dutifully set her egg timer and released from her booze-less restrictions, she was barely getting warmed up mixing her martini when it "dinged" (the timer, not the martini shaker). Glancing at me from time to time for reasurrance, she turned off the plate and moved the pot to a cold plate and reset the timer for 8 minutes. Of course, if you don't want to worry with timers and such, you could try this gadget which will change colour to tell you if you've got a soft boiled, medium boiled or hard boiled eggs. I haven't used it yet, but sometime soon.... Anyway, Miss Twinset was most of the way through a decent dry white by now and kept chirping instructions and suggestions, but the Other One had put herself completely in my hands and ignored her. Much to the Dayglo Diva's irritation I'm sure :-)

The Other One was so very proud of her achievement and when she had drained & dried the cooled eggs, I showed her how to peel them. She was stunned and it was then that I realised that although she'd eaten eggs in many forms, she'd most likely never seen one raw. I vowed right then and there not to tell her where eggs come from just yet... After all, who WAS the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken's "bum" and think... I'll eat that? I mean... seriously? Seriously! So... I then proceeded to crack a raw egg into a dish to show her how different it is from the boiled item. It was probably best that I hadn't started with this because a dish of clear snot with a weird yellow blob in it is hardly an easy sell to someone who only sees the finished product after her chef has had his wicked way with the ingredients!

We also discovered that although she could now boil an egg for herself, she didn't particularly enjoy boiled eggs, but it was a result none-the-less and I was satisfied that should she ever find herself in the unfortunate position of being staff-less, she wouldn't totally starve. If she were sober enough to find the kitchen.... :-) Anyway, several hours and martini's later, while she clutched a boiled (unpeeled) egg in her hand, she remarked that nature had supplied us with lunch boxes. After all, it was a tough exterior protecting a meal.... And although I had had a glass of wine or 3 by then, I found that on the whole, I couldn't fault her on that.

Until next time....