It's Beginning to Smell A Lot Like....

CHRISTMAS!!!

No, before you all phone the medics in a panic, I haven't totally lost the plot. Nor did I hit my head and no - before someone asks - I haven't been at that mystery punch that Miss Twinset and the Other One regularly cook up. I've seen it glowing eerily in the pantry and I don't drink potentially sentient life forms! In fact, I strongly suspect that following a nuclear explosion, we'd be left with dayglo cockroaches, the mystery punch and those two in the corner. After all, if they can drink it and survive, there's a good chance they're bomb proof! Actually, there is at least one other thing that will be around long after mankind has ceased to exist... fruit cake. Don't ask me why it never goes off... after all, that's why they invented Google! I'm also not sure why the universe decided to make fruit cake almost indestructible because I can tell you that it's a rare thing if they last past a few days in this house!

Ok - so it's October. I'm aware of that. I'm also aware that popular legend suggests that you bake your Christmas cakes and puddings round about now so that they have sufficient time to "age" well and by "age" I mean "absorb substantial quantities of brandy". However, this particular recipe tastes just as fabulous even if you make it Dec 24th, so I'm not going to spin you that yarn. However, I will point out - and not only because the Other One is waving her hands frantically to get my attention - that it does leave you less time to get loads of brandy into the cake. And brandy is important! I cheat by soaking my cherries in brandy all year round :-) Sneaky! Also quite tasty when you just want to eat one :-)

Ok, so you start be measuring out all the fruit and nuts and putting them into a bowl with the brandy and soaking them overnight. This is where you ideally need a kitchen free of Tipsy Tarts (sorry, couldn't resist) as I caught Miss Twinset with her head in the fridge debating turning my cake fruit into some seriously flammable breakfast muesli!! While I don't think it was an entirely bad idea, some of us have real jobs too and showing up soused and claiming it was the cereal that did it, probably wouldn't go down well! So, when you're ready to begin, you need to take 4 heaped tablespoons of flour and stir that into the fruit mix. This will coat the fruit and stop it from doing it's best "rock" impression! Sigh... Miss Twinset is frowning. It's hard to ignore because she looks like a confused kitten, but still... It means that it will stop the fruit from sinking straight to the bottom of the cake. The flour on the fruit helps it to "float" in the cake mix and that keeps it evenly distributed. In another dish, mix the flour, cinnamon, all spice, cloves, salt and bicarbonate of soda so that it's ready when you need it. In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter, then mix in the brown sugar and eggs. Um... I know that cream comes before butter (although I'm a tad surprised that the Other One, a woman with a Swarovski manicure, has any idea about churning butter or anything to do with milk products). It means to beat the butter until it is light and fluffy. It can be done by hand, but seriously... seriously? That's why there are electric beaters!


In a jug, mix black treacle and apple juice. It's a bit like trying to combine tar and water at first and this part I do with a hand whisk. Then the trick is to mix alternate dry and wet ingredients into the butter, egg and sugar mix. I see Rolling Stones lips and tongue in that treacle pattern, but that could just be Ruby's sense of humour :-) When you've mixed everything together except for the fruit, you'll be left with a strange, wet mixture that looks like it's about to split. No (chuckle), not run away. Split back into it's separate ingredients. Don't worry, it's supposed to be that way. Yes, I'm serious... it really is supposed to look kinda like curdled ... um... cow production :-) At this point, you're ready to add the fruit and fold it into the mix.

If you're really well organised, then you probably lined and greased your baking dish of choice before you even weighed out the butter, but to be honest, I forgot. It's not serious though as the batter can stand for a bit while you catch up. Just don't let the Other One anywhere near the spray-and-cook though... it's great for greasing the baking dish and also (I've just discovered) for turning an innocent kitchen stool into a health hazard for Miss Twinset. Turns out that she isn't quite as graceful as the Other One when it comes to holding onto a drink when she's slipping and sliding... but at least it was only a little white wine and she was wearing a housedress today (with pearls... of course), so all is well. I think we'll even get over the shock of the housedress... with therapy! :-) So - when you have your cake tin / Pyrex dish / tuna tins (I'll explain later) greased, lined and ready, simply pour the cake batter into them and pop them into your pre-heated oven and bake for 3 - 3 1/2 hours or until a skewer stuck into the middle of the cake comes out clean. Obviously the smaller cakes will take less time, so keep an eye on them. After all, it's bad enough they can last indefinitely without turning them into a prime example of dwarf bread... If you're not a Discworld fan, my apologies, but it's a reference that would take too long to explain :-)

Now comes the tricky part... even trickier than keeping the location of my brandy supply a secret from the Tipsy Tarts... keeping the cake around for longer than a day or two with my folks around! The cake is moist, rich and totally yummy (another technical cheffy term). We find that it's best served un-iced with brandy butter, but really... it's so good just as it is, that you'd better get in there before it's all gone.

I know that many people don't like fruit cake and I'm pleased to tell you that it's not a requirement for enjoying the Festive Season. And yes, I haven't forgotten that it's still a while until the Festive Season. I baked for my Mom (who bats her eyelashes beautifully when she wants something) and also for one of my best friends who was visiting from Europe. Her cake is tucked away in her luggage, soon to tease some lonely sniffer dog at an airport far, far away ... :-) Hmm? What? Oh... the tuna tin reference from earlier? Well, small baking tins are quite expensive, but a washed, lined tuna tin is the perfect size for making small "gift" cakes and it's also a great way to recycle. Please - just wash them properly, after all, there is nothing worse than tuna flavoured fruit cake :-) Euuuuuuwww

So, I guess I should probably tackle my Christmas Cards next huh? Hmm... maybe, but first... I think it's time for some cake :-)

Until next time...